Alexander Nickoliah (5.17.04)and Hayden Alexis(4.15.07)

Alexander Nickoliah;


Taken 5.17.09 His 5th.
♥ Love forever.

Today six years ago, was the absoute worst and best day of my entire life.
It was the day i gave birth to you. my perfect son, my first born.
I didnt plan on you being born until July 22nd. You were early.
I know you tried to stay in there even though the bastard that helpped create you forced you to come early.



im so sorry Honey, i wanted so much more for you, you didnt deserve this.
I blame myself everyday;beyound the circumstace, i wanted you & i loved you entirely baby boy.
I hope you know that. I know i am stronger now because i dont have you, but selfishly, i still want you here with me.




Its been 6yrs. and I wonder who you would be, how smart you'd be and how you'd act, what you'd like & how life would be.
Everyone told me that it gets better, easier in time, but it doesnt. I still think of you everyday
& every year around your birthday i break down.




('08 his 4th birthday)


Born May 17th 2004
4lbs 2oz 16inches long.
Born at 2:02pm.





I still remember the first time i held you.you were tiny, fragile, beautiful, perfect.
you had a little patch of blonde hair and the most beautiful blue eyes
and you stuck out your tiny tounge when you looked at me,
before they took you away to the nicu,
i kissed you, and told you that i loved you
and you made the cutest little sound.



That was the only time i got with you before you passed away.
I wish it were more, but at least i have those memories.
at least i told you that i loved you.
That Day, broke my heart, and since that day, i have never been the same.
I love you Alexander, i miss you dearly sweet baby.




Someone once said that death is not the greatest lost in life,
the greatest lost is what dies inside of us while we live,
and we tell ourselves that its all gonna be okay,but its not ok,
there's no magic in the world, at least not today there isnt.
Rest Peacefully,Beautiful son of mine. I still cant believe you'd be 6 today....
Happy Birthday Alexander Nickoliah, Mommy loves you and misses you everyday. ♥




Today the tears flow heavy, and it hurts to breathe.
today i wish i could kill that man for what he did to my son, to me. for everything he took.
today my heart is broken and i wish i could die too.
today i feel like jumping into the ocean and letting the current pull me under.
today is my son's birthday. it should of been a happy day,
i should be smiling and watching him blow out his candles on his 6th birthday cake.
But instead today i cry, and i cry hard
and i could only imagine how my son would be because the time i should have had with him was stolen.
Today is the worst day of the year and nothing can make it better.

--------------------------------------


I didnt put what i wrote for Hayden
on her 3rd birthday last month on here. so here it is.
April 15th 2010




Today is a very hard day for me. as are alot of days. i miss her very much. i cant believe it's been 3yrs already. Oh my sweet Hayden. i hope you know i always wanted you, my sweet daughter; there wasnt never a doubt in my mind i would love you just the same, regaurdless of any condition you would have. i fought for you. against the terminal pregnancy and all.




But fate had different plans. and heavan needed you more than me, i supposse. i wish it would have been different. but i know you would have had a hard life. so i guess its better this way, for you.



I miss you everyday, but today is certainly your day. I am selfish, because i want you here with me. I wanted to be your mommy. i wanted to have you regaurdless of what i was told, reguardless of how hard everything would be for you.





I know you would have had difficulties, i know that i would have had to care for you your whole life, and you would be limited, but you were my daughter, and to me you would always be perfect. beautiful. flawless. Your father might not have always been around, but i would have done everything i could to make sure you would have had the best possible life. and i am very sorry you suffered so much in my womb, i wish i could have protected you from everything. but i am sorry i couldnt Hayden.



I love you.-Mommy

Pictures & Update.

Well this month has been hectic to say the least.
First off Little Miss Addison turned 2. I cant believe she's already a big girl,
not a little baby anymore. *sighs* Growing up entirely too fast.
but definately getting more and more beautiful.

Photos from her 2nd Birthday. :]











Then his family came to town for a long weekend, we went to Big Bend for two days.
Things have gotten a little tense, because they dont agree with some things. but things ended on a light note because i made them my delious ranch chicken for lunch before they left. :]

Here are some photos from it.























& I have been pretty sick for the last couple of weeks. Been kind of misable.
I tried to ignore the anniversary of Hayden's 3rd birthday. For the most part.
But i still had a small cerimony with stuart, late that night with confetti filled balloons. and i let them go in the rain water. it rained for days for her. which was nice.









A few Photos of Our Lovely Apartment. (3rd together.)

Happy 2nd Birthday Babygirl: Dear Addison;

My Beautiful Daughter:

I cant believe that today marks two years since the most beautiful child on earth entered my life.
I cant believe that you're already turning two years old,
these past two years with you in my world have been unforgetable,amazing
You're the most wonderful gift ive ever been given.

You were born on Wednesday April 2nd 2008.
at 11:47am. weighing in at: 6lbs 6oz and 20inches long.
you were perfect and healthy.
born with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
the most beautiful little baby, i have EVER seen.

i could not ask for anything more.
I love you, addison, more than anything.and so does your daddy.
Right now i selfishly want nothing more than to hold you
and keep you a baby forever,
but i know that its impossible and you're going to grow up.
I wish you would slow down. you're growing up SO fast, growing into a
beautiful, intelligent, wonderful, amazing child. Addison you amaze me.


As much as i'd like you to stay a baby
You're turning into a very sweet,kind, loving,BEAUTIFUL little girl
with blonde hair and curls at the ends.
and bright big blue eyes. and a sparkling personality to match.
right now, you like disney movies and minnie mouse.and barney.
legos,books, and animals.(ducks, cats, dogs, birds.) :]
I am looking forward to you growing up
and i cannot wait to see who you turn into.

You are the reason i push harder every day for a better life.
You've made me into a better person. You've made me a mother.
&There isnt anything in this world you could do to make me not love you.
My love is constant, unbreakable.unconditional.i promise.

I would give anything for your happiness and well being. I would do anything for you babygirl.
I love you more than life itself and you will always come first with me.

The hopes and dreams i had for my life, dont seem to matter as much anymore.
i am perfectly content with hoping and dreaming for you. i want you to have an amazing life.
I want you to know that you're loved and supported to the ends of the universe
and That nothing is beyound your grasp. you can do or be anything you want.
and so many people love you Addison, so many people want nothing more for you
than for you to be happy in this life.
and i will do whatever i can to make that happen for you.
You're most certainly worth it. everything.

Addison, You wont understand this now, but i'll say it anyway.
Just remember that life can get hard at times.
But you will always have love and support to fall back on.
Never give up on your dreams sweet daughter,i know it may be difficult,
but it will always be worth it.
You have no idea how proud i am of you already, and you're only 2.
You can always come to me and your dad about any problem you may have,
and we will do our best to fix it. we love you more than we could ever explain.

oh.and Happy Second Birthday Baby.

February Photo Update.